What Is Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent Communication, or NVC, is an approach to communication based on honesty, empathy, and attentive listening. It helps us express our feelings and needs while creating open and respectful dialogue with others. The aim of Nonviolent Communication is to strengthen relationships, reduce conflict, and foster mutual understanding, whether in couples, families, workplaces, or therapeutic settings.
Nonviolent Communication replaces patterns of criticism, blame, and defensiveness with a way of relating that supports respect, emotional clarity, and genuine openness to the other person.
The Nonviolent Communication Model: Four Core Components
Observation without judgment
This step focuses on separating facts from interpretations. The goal is to describe what actually happened, without adding evaluations or criticism.
For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me,” one might say, “I asked you a question and did not receive an answer.”
Identifying and expressing feelings
Here, feelings are expressed directly and without blaming the other person. It is important not to confuse emotions with thoughts or interpretations about someone else’s behavior.
For example, “I feel frustrated” rather than “I feel like you are ignoring me,” which already contains judgment.
Identifying the need behind the feeling
Every emotion points to a need that is either being met or unmet. Understanding the underlying need helps clarify what truly matters to us.
For example, “I feel lonely” may point to a need for closeness or connection.
“I feel angry when you are late” may reflect a need for reliability, trust, or respect for my time.
Making a clear and practical request
This involves stating clearly what we are asking from the other person, without demands or vague expectations.
For example, “Could you give me ten minutes of your full attention right now?” instead of “I want you to listen to me more.”
How to Practice Nonviolent Communication in Everyday Life
Speak in the language of “I”
Say “I feel frustrated when I do not get a response” rather than “You always ignore me.”
Acknowledge the role of interpretation
Say “When I hear you say this, I interpret it as…” rather than “When you say this, you are trying to hurt me.”
Use inclusive language rooted in personal experience
Say “When people raise their voices at me, I feel unsafe” rather than “When you shout at me, you are disrespectful.”
Separate your experience from the other person’s inner world
Say “I want to understand what you are experiencing” rather than “You are reacting this way because I said something wrong.”
Formulate positive requests
Say “I would like us to find a solution that works for both of us” or “I would appreciate a few minutes to think when I am angry” rather than “I do not want us to argue anymore” or “Do not interrupt me when I am angry.”
Common Communication Pitfalls: The Four Destructive Patterns
Research by John Gottman identified four interaction patterns that strongly predict relationship breakdown:
Criticism
Attacking a person’s character instead of addressing a specific behavior.
For example, “I need more help around the house” rather than “You are lazy and never do anything.”
Blame or defensiveness
Shifting responsibility onto the other person instead of taking personal responsibility.
For example, “I feel hurt when you do not reply” rather than “Because of you, I feel worthless.”
Contempt
Demeaning the other person and undermining their value, which creates emotional distance.
For example, “I want us to speak respectfully to each other” rather than “You are not worth my time.”
Emotional withdrawal
Avoiding conversation and emotional contact instead of engaging with the issue.
For example, “I need a short break, let’s talk again in an hour” rather than prolonged silence or leaving the room without returning.
Applying Nonviolent Communication in Couples Therapy and Individual Therapy
Setting clear conversation agreements
Agree in advance that each person will speak in turn, without interruptions. For example, “I would like to speak and feel confident that you will listen until I finish.”
Strengthening empathic listening
Reflect back what the other person says in your own words to ensure understanding. For example, “If I understand correctly, you feel pressured when I come home late.”
Rebuilding closeness after conflict
Try to see the other person’s experience and respond with empathy. For example, “I understand that this hurt you, that was not my intention,” rather than “You are exaggerating.”
Practicing requests instead of demands
Instead of “I demand that you stop speaking to me like that,” say “It is very important to me that we speak respectfully. Could you try to be mindful of that?”
Daily practice of Nonviolent Communication
Set aside a daily moment to practice. For example, each evening ask your partner, “What was important to you today?” and listen fully, without distractions.
It is also important to acknowledge that Nonviolent Communication is not always possible in every moment. This does not remove our responsibility to try to use it whenever we can. It does mean being mindful of timing, emotional capacity, and whether both sides are in a state that allows for open and empathic dialogue.
In Summary
Nonviolent Communication is not only a tool for improving relationships. It is a way of relating that promotes understanding, respect, and emotional growth.
It supports calm and clear communication
It reduces conflict and emotional escalation
It strengthens closeness between partners, friends, and colleagues
It fosters deeper emotional connection and mutual understanding
With practice, conversations become more open, more containing, and more capable of holding complexity, even in challenging moments.